Twin Powers of Silence and Listening

My siblings and I were texting each other about how certain relatives are not good listeners, and just keep speaking on and on. We were having a blast giving each other funny advice, such as interrupting with sarcastic questions, doing the Aikido move, etc. I promised them that I would blog about listening, especially since-as an organization development practitioner- I used to teach communications skills.

I was trained in many methodologies, such as Crucial Conversations, Bohm dialogue, etc. Each method taught a step-by-step process to train people in listening skills. Students would often get workbooks, audiobooks, etc. to help them practice after the formal training.

In parallel, my spiritual path as a Sufi has given me the opportunity to learn about Islam, the faith, and its teachings, which revolve all around the noble human qualities. Two of the central teachings are to serve others and to constantly improve oneself and seek the noble human qualities that are potential within all of us. In every challenge, we are asked to look within, and reframe our perspective from a place of responsibility and non-reactivity, i.e., detachment.

More recently I have been studying Rumi’s Masnawi with an Iranian professor. The Masnawi is Rumi’s most formidable work and is a delight to the heart and the mind. Rumi emphasizes silence and listening in the Masnawi and its brilliant poetic stories.

When I reflect on my personal trajectory of development, I am amazed at how modern teachings reinforce ancient ones and put it into a modern context. I also realized that we as OD or dialogue or communications practitioners focused on tools and techniques- the level of “how to do’s”. For truly transformational change, one must keep moving deeper into the level of “who we are being”, as the state of our being imbues all our thoughts and actions.

We are constantly communicating, even when not speaking or listening. We are foremost energy after all. The way I look at it, we are a speck of a portion of the universe of energy that has a chance to be in a human body for a short time. So, we can only work with this tiny but powerful portion of energy that we are entrusted with.

So, when it comes to communications, we can shape the collective energy field. How do we shape it? We simply manage our way of being, our energy to the best abilities. And that is where the twin powers of silence and listening can be our allies in heartfelt and deeply connected human relationships.

Have you ever walked into a room and felt the tension in the air? You know that there is so much unsaid, and it is mostly negative! As Stephen Young in his book, Micro messaging, says: People often convey intended and unintended messages in ways that extend far beyond the words they use. A gesture, a tone, a figure of speech — it’s our unconscious biases that speak volumes.

So, the first act in listening is to pay attention to our own biases. Those biases keep coming up as someone else is speaking, and just paying attention and putting those biases aside is the first step in listening. Awareness of our own preconceived notions, opinions, judgments helps us manage them and reduce their power over our thoughts and actions.

This inner awareness encourages us to practice silence. Silencing is not just “not speaking”. It is also the effort of silencing our inner noise, which is constantly evaluating, commenting on and judging people, situations, the world. Silencing this inner noise helps us become an empty vessel — as Rumi says- that is able to truly listen and connect with others.

Going back to the techniques that can help us build this practice, here is one method that I have used to teach people in specific settings, such as interfaith groups or conflict situations:

There are the basic ground rules used in all dialogue, e.g., no interruptions, one person speaks at a time and manage your airtime (one can even put time limits if necessary).

Assuming you have practiced inner silence first, then outer silence and are ready to practice “generous listening” to increase understanding and connection. Notice that “understanding” is different than “agreement”. This is especially critical in conflict situations where even moving to understanding each other can begin the path of healing and reconciliation; agreement is too far-reaching a goal.

Generous Listening

1- Pay full attention and empty your mind of all your pre-conceived notions about the person or the situation and pay attention to body language- what is it telling you non-verbally?

2- Repeat back to them what you heard to ensure correct understanding of what they said.

3- Echo the emotion they are experiencing, so that they truly feel heard.

4- Name their commitment and their values that they are trying to uphold.

5- Ask questions that require them to think outside the box and to take responsibility themselves instead of the blame game.

So, if we can practice silence and listening, especially generous listening, we are able to contribute to deeper understanding and richer relationships in all facets of life. More importantly, we continue to develop our souls to be peaceful and to be healers on this planet. In future posts, I will be writing more about the web of topics that make us better humans and transform our consciousness.